A softer heart.

We've been married for 3 years and 18 days, but who's counting? ;) it's Christmas Eve today. Last night, We had a few last minute errands to run. We dropped the kiddos off at Grandpa Steve's house, and ran around to a bunch of different places. We stopped at a little Thai place, called Siamese Express. We like to eat here sometimes. The food's pretty good and it's just a little hole in the wall place. The owners are always the ones working. Anyway, Jason and I sat down while waiting for our meal. He says, "I called Drew back this morning. I didn't want to disregard his phone call to wish us a Merry Christmas."
"That was nice," I said.

This may seem so small, but it is leaps and bounds from where he was when we'd started. He wouldn't have called him back before.

A few months back, after he'd come home from the grocery store, he'd said, "today I donated my change for breast cancer awareness. It's the first time I've ever really done something like that."
"Good. It feels good, doesn't it? That was really nice honey."
He said, "it was only like a quarter, but it's a start."
I couldn't argue with that.

Anyway, our conversation at dinner went on...
"I told you about that gift thing at work for that family, right?"

Me: "Nope. Must've been your other wife."

J: "They had this stocking with a list of items to get this family. This year, I grabbed one. I bought a $25 gift card to Ralph's from us."

....and he kind of kept talking, but I hung in to those words.... My husband is an incredibly caring man, but normally just for those who reside in his four walls.... For him to step outside these four walls and to give something of monetary value to someone else, it brought me to tears. In three years, I've watched his heart soften an incredible amount. I'd love to say that my giving has slowly been wearing on him, but it is probably a large combination of things. 1. The kids. We have two healthy kids, who are so bright. So healthy. We are so blessed. 2. We are blessed! Blessed with the ability to have a house! To have food! Jason has a great job! It allows me to stay home and take care of them. We each have a vehicle, and one of them is very nice. We have more than what we need. We are truly blessed!!!! 3. And this is one of the most important ones.... Jason has really set out to improve himself and he's doing such a fantastic job. He watches motivational speeches, reads motivational books, reads motivational zen blogs, articles, and the list goes on. He's completely changed his eating habits.... Well all of his habits, and he's pretty much done it alone. He puts his mind to it and he just does it! It is amazing to watch him grow and change. I love it and it truly inspires me. I wish it was as easy as he makes it look.... I struggle a lot more. Mark yesterday, because that's when he shared his kind gesture, down in history, that he gave..... Gave his own money, on his own terms, and it came from his own heart.... He gave soooo incredibly selflessly.... Outside of these four walls.

Another one of the thousands of reasons I picked him. His heart.... You kiddos are so blessed to have had him. I am so blessed to have shared the moments of my life with him.... And to you, Jason, I love to watch you grow and to love.... Every single day, you make me want to be a better person, and I am so thankful for that.... I could not have picked a better man!!! I love you! Thank you for leading our family the way that you do....

things that keep me going....

today, it's supposed to be back in the upper 90's.

jason has been working in this AWFUL heat (where the temperature broke an ALL TIME record, AND the thermometer).... the highest recorded temperature was 113, however, they realized that the thermometer they recorded from BROKE at 113. It was actually 120 degrees in his zip code.

he works crazy hours.... sleeps very little and drives crazy hours in traffic....

i WISH i had more time with him, however, i TRY to constantly remind myself that working is what makes him feel good. he feels good that he's providing for us.

i don't want to take that away from him.

with all of these crazy temps, and taylor going back to school (and infested with germs), everyone has managed to become sick.

taylor first.

then Jason.

then Lewie.

and now, i don't feel so hot, however, i'm not as bad as any of them have been, so i'm hoping that since i don't have my tonsils, that i won't get as sick as i used to!

Poor Jason is sick, and still working.

it's 10:03 am right now, and 4 minutes ago, I just got a text message from him saying "I love u so much Ashley. I wish I could show u better"

It's things like these little messages that just keep me going....

it's like my fuel.

sounds a little crazy, huh?

it just shows me he's thinking of me while he's out there in control of all these crazy disgusting men, and THAT makes me happy.

i wish i could show him how much i appreciate him too....

i know i say it often, but maybe not enough.

maybe i don't show him enough.

i do adore him with absolutely ALL of me!!!

so to Jason, who may likely never read this,

I don't know WHERE in the world I'd be without you, without your love and without your help.... you are MORE than amazing, and i am SOOOO incredibly thankful and blessed that you are mine. =) i love you!!!!

to see or not to see.

i almost got my eyes fixed.

almost.

on june 25th, 2010. it was a friday.

and i would have had them corrected at 1 pm.

that's what my appointment was for.

well, the 2nd appointment.

it was for lasik.

the first appointment was originally scheduled for the 24th, which would have been a thursday, and the procedure was PRK which was a bit different than lasik and would have been one eye at a time.

i ALMOST got my eyes fixed, until they called me a week before my surgery to confirm the WRONG surgery for the WRONG day....

not to mention the other mistakes they had made along the way.

the medication and the doses of each....

soooo, needless to say, when Abe called to confirm my WRONG surgery for the WRONG date, i cancelled.

at 26 years of age, i ALMOST got to see clearly without contacts or glasses.

Daddy's Buddy.

I want Jason to remember this time, as much as I want to remember this time....

and I wish Lewie could remember it too....

I recently started working nights, part time.... just until about 10 pm a few nights a week, but when i come home, both kids are asleep.... that means, jason gets the kids fed, bathed and put to bed....

since i've started working, Lewie and jason are just closer than ever....

when lewie cries,

he wants "Dadadadadadada."

and when jason holds him, he snuggles up into jason's neck and just lies there, holding on to him so tight....

it's SUCH a wonderful sight....

and i KNOW it's got to feel wonderful for jason too....

i just hope he never forgets these moments....

mother's day 2010.

this weekend was wonderful.

jason spoiled me the entire weekend.

didn't push me to get ready.

didn't push me to get out of bed.

didn't bug me to do ANYTHING at all,

although i reminded him once that it WAS mother's day on sunday, but that was only to get out of an awful poopy diaper.... (thank you, love)

he cleaned the kitchen spotless,

and did it in a wonderful mood....

normally he cleans it and grumbles while in work mode....

doesn't talk a whole lot and "just wants to get it done."

nope, not this weekend.

he pitched in with the laundry and even helped me bake the banana bread for everyone.

sunday morning, he took the kids to go get coffee for mama.

he comes home with a maple bar (donut) and with red icing on top they wrote out, "we love you."

they picked 3 roses from our yard (i secretly love roses now because of our yard)....

taylor had made me a card that she so anxiously presented me with....

informing the world of these following facts (in her mind).... or are they really facts? i had to rethink these out and take a look at myself.

Mom's bedtime: (taylor writes) "9:00 pm" this is true, most of the time. sometimes it's much earlier (or later, if Lewie won't sleep)

Mom's favorite time to get up: "9:00 am" ummmm seriously??? when's the last time i've slept in until 9 am? NOT SINCE LEWIE WAS BORN!!!!!! NUTS! i laughed out loud and then proceeded to read....

mom's favorite TV show: "16 and pregnant" OH NO!!!! do you REALLY think that's my favorite TV show? what about "extreme makeover: home edition" or "grey's anatomy" or "a baby story" ?? what about THOSE shows that i love??? i guess it's because i don't watch TV much at alllll lately and the few times i've turned it on at night, my "shows" haven't been on, and so i've watched 16 and pregnant.... and maybe it's because i can totally relate to them and having a child at such a young age... and not even knowing where you are with your life when you have this child.... it's such a scary thing, but look where we are now?? it's amazing!!!! =)

oh my sweet Taylor, you always open my eyes to something new everyday.... you always have me look at myself and how i can improve myself, because i truly want nothing but the best for you....

tonight, we sat on the couch (Jason, Taylor and I) talking about another brother or sister. Jason and Taylor want another one.... i am not entirely convinced.... we sat and talked about names.... are they really going to convince me to have another child someday??? i can't even imagine having another child and going through anything close to what i went through with Lewie.... but i look at our crazy little household and really kind of love what we have.... such an incredible love for each other.... i guess i just get scared i'd get lost in the midst of the children and the chaos.... i love my husband and taylor and lewie, and i don't want to put more between jason and i than what's already there.... i love being able to spend time, individually, as well as a whole family.... but the more people there are, the less individual time there is for sure....

after the kids went to bed, jason and i sat on the couch and watched TV and we talked.... and he brought up night number 2 when we were texting. he said, "i remember you telling me that you weren't looking for a daddy for taylor.... i remember where i was.... i was at Glory Days.... and i remember what seat i was sitting in.... 3rd from the left.... i didn't believe you, but all i wanted to do was to take of you and T."

then he looked over at me and smiled, and we laughed and i snuggled up on him and wrapped my arm around his waist and just loved on him until we were both ready for bed.... his scent is one that is so reassuring.... his soft breaths when he breathes, they tickle my nose.... such a wonderful tickle and scent that i very secretly try to breathe in.... i close my eyes in hopes of remembering his scent.... forever....

i love you Jason....

Taylor....

Lewie....

hardworker.

i'm not gonna lie and say everything is always peachy.

daddy worked late tonight.

he's the only one who stayed late with the guys who are pouring the deck to the 2nd floor.

this doesn't happen too often, but when it does, i just wish he was home with us.... we had fun tonight. taylor, lewie and i.... we made videos on youtube together. one called MONSTERS it was of taylor and mommy being monsters, and lewie started to catch on and try to be a monster too! =) i had a lot of fun making the videos and taking pictures with the kiddos.

kiddos are now asleep, and i'm still waiting for daddy to come home. it's 915 pm, and i'm soooo sleepy.... but i miss daddy so much.... i'll wait just a little while longer....

good night my sleeping angels.

a man of his word.

you know, i think of how much i love jason daily....

i think of the many reasons i love jason, daily....

his honesty.

he's a man of his word.

more than just appreciating that, and him,

i RESPECT that....

i respect my husband, on a level that i've never ever EVER respected a boy or man before.

i respect him.

i can only hope that i show him that enough....